REVIEW: 2012

OMG. Worst movie. Ever. Director Roland Emmerich's (The Day After Tomorrow) latest action blockbuster 2012 is quite the catastrophe and no, I'm not just referring to the natural disaster the film centers around.

The two and a half hour debacle from Columbia Pictures focuses on recently separated Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) and Kate Curtis (Amanda Peet), the latter who is one of the film's few redeeming qualilties with her genuine performance. Jackson decides to take their two children to Yellowstone National Park for a weekend getaway, where he has a chance encounter with Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson). It turns out that zaney Charlie happens to have been compiling proof that the world is about to come to an end and the U.S. government is conspiring in failing to inform the public about this. Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is a scientist who is made aware via a tip-off in India, that the world is on the verge of ending and he informs President Tommy Wilson (Danny Glover) of this. A strategy is developed to benefit billionaires around the world in selling them spots on a jumbo airplane designed to transport them to safety amidst world destruction.

There are several confusing and poorly developed subplots in 2012. Jackson and Kate are still in love clearly, but Kate is now living with plastic surgeon Gordon (Thomas McCarthy), who magically knows how to navigate an airplane we learn. Laura Wilson (Thandie Newton) is the daughter of President Wilson and her father sacrifices a spot for her aboard this life-saving jumbo plane. And within moments after her father's subsequent tragic death during the catastrophe, she winds up falling in love with Adrian and shows little remorse over her father's death. What Dad?


Out of nowhere, it appears also that Jackson is a struggling author who works as a limousine driver on-the-side for Russian tycoon Yuri Karpov (Zlato Buric), his twin sons and escort girlfriend Tamara (Beatrice Rosen). Yuri of course, has a ticket aboard this jumbo plane, which Jackson is determined to get his family and his wife's new plastic surgeon boyfriend aboard. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that Tamara has a really adorable Pekingese dog too - the film's second redeeming factor. So basically every billionaire, zebra, cow, horse and even The Queen of England want guestlist spots to this ultra exclusive Plane Party. For those of you familiar with The Bible, think Noah's Arc - but way more posh and much more technical. And just as the plane is finally ready to take off on its flight to save the human race, there are technical glitches of Titanic proportions. This takes up pretty much most of the last hour of 2012.

This film would've been much better if it did not fixate itself on thrills and astounding special effects (redeeming factor number three). Jackson and company encounter far too many "close calls" amidst the catastrophe that by the time the suspense really counts, there is little left to anticipate as it appears that he is invincible having made it through so many brushes with death already. There is no vulnerability whatsoever. The moments in which Emmerich tries to evoke sentiment from the characters in their heart-to-heart scenes come off contrived. They are embarrassing to watch, especially considering that I have great respect for Danny Glover, John Cusack and Thandie Newton.

Yes, I realize action films aren't my cup of tea, but even I can appreciate a good joyride once in a while and this wasn't one of them. 2012 is completely implausible and an insult to my intelligence, which is why people are going to eat this film up and it'll go on to make hundreds of millions of dollars. Grade: D-